Luv (Sic.)

Last night was definitely an experience.

I am scarred by what I’ve seen, LOL.

Deja Vu.

Morning.

3 days of work ahead of me.

Then a week of finals.

And suddenly the phone calls come pouring in.

All these calls from friends — No, wait, I mean friends. People who wouldn’t give two shits if it were any other situation. All these calls from people who normally wouldn’t even answer a simple “How are you?”

They’re doing this because of guilt. They don’t want to feel the guilt of not trying. They don’t want to feel like the one person who could’ve made a difference.

Well, you know what? It’s too late. None of you can make a difference.

Now who’s this? A familiar number. Why is it so familiar? Because you’re one of them. One of the people who have pushed me to this point. That’s right. Ignore me for months and now call me. Hahahaha. You’re such a moron. You’re an idiot. I hope you feel it. I hope you feel that guilt. I hope the memories of me haunt you at night.

It’s too late.

The heavy breaths started to silence themselves. That warm stream continued flowing across my face. It’s in a fit of rage that I lose myself at times. Pure anger. I can’t think straight, I can only act out of emotion. You know, there are times where I realize that if my bed frame was metal, I wouldn’t have this moment to reflect on what I had just done. I wouldn’t have this moment to finally think and understand that my actions have caused dire consequences. Then again, if it were metal, it’d be over.

Quick and easy.

I saw a shooting star as I sat over the city.

“I’m getting the hell out of here,” I told myself.

It was such a grand scene with the sun taking it’s final blinks until death. I can’t enjoy this — not with all this bullshit. The little sparkles of city slowly started.

I’m sitting alone with such a beautiful view, yet nobody to share it with. Maybe it’s best to be alone. This usual solace doesn’t get boring, but it gets lonely.

“You’re doing it again.” I really need to stop over-analyzing things and just enjoy them as they are.

This image.. It gives me a memory. A memory I don’t recall actually having. It’s like a sense of deja vu. Something was there.. wasn’t it? It’s that vision I keep having of that field with small green hills. A short bridge over a clear pond full of flies and frogs. I held her hand as I walked her down towards the bridge. I didn’t say a word to her and for the first time in my life, my mind didn’t either. I was.. at rest. I rested my arms as I leaned myself against the bridge. I don’t know why I wanted to find something to say, that stupid habit of mine to always break the silence. At that moment, nothing. I looked over my shoulder at her and she smiled back. Strange isn’t it? I don’t know who she is nor do I have the slightest clue what she looks like, but I know she smiled at me. I was in peace.

“Pathetic.” Yeah, there I go again. Another fantasy of being.. or not being alone.   With all the stress and worries of the everyday bullshit, all I have is that fantasy.

Let this deep breath be savored.

Meow.

I remember when I had the rope around my neck as she screamed into the phone for me to stop. She was a whole country apart from me, what could she do? She watched me through her computer screen as I tightened it. My tears could hardly squeeze themselves out of my eyes. She begged for me to stop, but I was so confident with what I was doing. That’s what it had come to.
You know, I sometimes do really dumb things and have the stupidest thoughts. It makes me wonder.. Maybe I lost some good brain cells that night. One thing I wish I lost was the memory of it all.
Still, to this day I consider it. Of course I consider it.
Maybe someday I’ll have the guts to do it. Maybe someday I’ll be pushed to the edge. My plan is to go out quietly. Nobody would notice. All the people who treated me like shit would realize what they have done. Those who took me for granted, didn’t appreciate me, didn’t give me 1 minute of their day. I wonder how they would feel.
Hah.